Why all the fuss about sleep?

As a new mom, sleep was the hottest topic, one worth obsessing over, for about four months. Everyone had their problems, their theories, their ideas, solutions, tricks, gadgets, slings, miracle remedies, you name it. I must have read almost a dozen books on the subject. (38 more and I’d be an expert!) Many emails were exchanged in my moms group from sleep-deprived parents begging for help.

I gave birth to a horrible sleeper. She not only had her days and nights mixed up for seven weeks straight, but once that was sorted out she would take three hours every night to fall asleep and wake up minimum of 3-4 times a night. I was miserable and determined to find a solution. Before I had a baby, I was an advocate of the cry-it-out method. Once my precious baby girl stole my heart, I couldn’t imagine enforcing it.

As the weeks dragged on and on, it was with impending dread that I knew crying it out was all that was left. I fought it all the way till the end. Then, even when it was only option left (that or never sleep for the next two years), I still had to hire a professional sleep consultant to help me through it.

But let me tell you; it worked. It worked well, and it worked fast, and while it was very hard, it was very, very worth it. From 4.5 months on, my baby has slept 12 hours every night, even while sick and teething. She was put in her own crib, and went to sleep. Yes, she has her occasional bad nights, but I can count them on both hands and she’s now approaching her first birthday.

It was because of this battle and eventual victory that I became the “sleep expert” amongst my peers. In response to many pleas (and answers), I wrote the following letter about sleep. If you are sleep deprived and your baby is over 4 months old, this one’s for you.

Dear Moms,

Well, here I am as usual, giving my two (or three) cents. I know what I’m about to say will probably offend most of you, but since everyone else is offering their thoughts, then I will too. I hope this message will be taken the right way; I'm not criticizing anyone's parenting or saying I know everything. I'm just offering up what I've learned. I’m not going to say the popular thing, which is “do what works for you.” I realize that every mom and baby is different, and we do have to find our own way. But the ‘do what works for you' philosophy can only go so far. If your baby cries when they fall down while learning to walk, are you going to stop them from walking because hearing them cry doesn’t work for you? No, you know they have to learn the skill, no matter how many times they fall down and cry. What I’m going to propose in this letter is that learning the skill of falling asleep is the same.

I’m amazed (but not surprised) at how many of us are going through the same exact thing at the same time. I know some have been dealing with night wakings longer than others, but it seems that in general, when our babies hit the 5 to 6 months mark, suddenly all the good sleep habits flew out the window. Is this a coincidence? No. The reason this is happening is because at this age, our babies get a lot smarter. They become aware that they are not part of you, and therefore understand your absence better. Because of this, they decide they want to see you throughout the night, too. They now have the ability to learn cause and effect. They cry, you respond. It becomes a game.

While it’s true that babies are always changing and going through stages, it’s actually studied and proven that not all sleep problems will simply disappear. Some will, some won’t. It depends on your child. I’ve talked to many parents who say their kid didn’t sleep through the night until they were three years old. This is NOT the problem going away. If your baby wakes up every night for three years, that is a problem – not a phase.

My purpose of this letter is not to argue about which parenting philosophy is best. I know I would be out numbered in my opinion. What I want to point out is this: when your baby wakes up 5 to 6 times a night, they are losing the precious sleep that they need to grow and develop. We all know that interrupted sleep cycles make us tired and grumpy during the day. Our babies are no different.

Dr. Marc Weissbluth, in his book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” said the most profound thing about sleep that I’ve read. He pointed out that sleep is food for the brain, just like milk is food for the body. In this day and age, we would never dream about not feeding our children when they are hungry. In fact, the current fad is demand feeding – feed your baby every time they cry! And yet, sleep – which is just as important – is mostly ignored. How many specialists came in your room at the hospital to teach you how much sleep your baby needed?

In his book, Dr. Weissbluth relays study after study about the effects of LACK of sleep on young children. I won’t take the time to type it all out, but the list of adverse effects that lack of sleep have on kids, their behavior, their intelligence, adaptability, concentration, social skills – the list goes on – is long and mind blowing.

By responding to your baby five to six (or more) times a night, patting, rocking, walking – whatever it is that you have to do – you are depriving your child of sleep. They are waking up anyway, I realize that. But by responding that way, you are prolonging and perpetuating the problem. Yes, you are providing temporary comfort. But are you really doing what’s best for your baby? Or what’s easiest for you?

It’s extremely hard to hear your baby cry. I know that from personal experience. That’s why I tried every single method out there to get my baby to sleep. I didn’t want to let her cry. But in the end I realized that I wasn’t letting her cry because it was hard on ME, not because it was hard on her. I was sacrificing her sleep because I didn’t want to have to deal with the discomfort of hearing her cry. That was the bottom line. I knew that letting her cry wasn’t going to kill her. But I did feel like it was going to kill me. When my baby cried, I felt like a bad parent – and that wasn’t something I wanted to feel like.

I finally realized, with some help from a professional, that babies cry because it’s all they can do. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re scared, hurting, mad, sad, or hating me. They cry (when going to sleep) because they are “protesting” learning a new skill.

Learning how to put yourself to sleep is a skill. When our kids learn to walk or read I’m sure there will be some crying, frustration, tears, etc. But we will still teach them until they learn. We’ll do this because we know they can’t go through life without learning these skills. And yet, when it comes to the skill of falling to sleep unassisted, we decide they don’t need to learn this skill and we help them every time.

Our babies need to learn this skill, and the only way they will learn it is if we give them space to do so. This means that they will cry, and they will “protest” the difficulty of learning this new skill. If they could talk, they’d say, “Mom, I don’t like this. It’s too hard.” But instead, they cry. If you rush to their rescue, they will either never learn it, or simply take months (or years) to outgrow it.

I knew I was doing my child a disservice by not letting her learn this skill. I decided that no matter how hard it was on ME, I was going to give her the gift of sleep. Most babies only take 3-5 nights. Mine took a week and a half. But now, she has a skill she will never forget. And at 6 months, she sleeps 12 hours straight with no wakings. She goes to sleep awake every night with no crying. And she takes consistent naps. And she's a very happy baby. Please don’t think I’m bragging; cause I’m not. I simply helped her learn something that every baby is capable of learning. It was hard, but it was worth it – for both of us.

I know that the philosophy of the age is “do whatever works for you.” And that’s fine. But I think doing what’s best for your baby is better. There is no scientific evidence, proof, or research that proves letting your baby cry is emotionally damaging. That theory stems from an Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank in 1929. He claimed that the birthing process interrupts the mother-child in-utero harmony and the only way to reestablish this harmony is constant day and night presence and availability of the mother. By 1949, this theory, lacking verifiable data, was dismissed – only to resurface many years later disguised under a new name – attachment parenting. It’s this philosophy that claims letting your baby cry is traumatizing to the child, and yet, they offer no actual proof for this claim (I’ve read the book, and there is none).

I know that I won’t change your minds and I’m sure I’ve offended many of you – and for that I apologize – it wasn’t my intention. But with all the things I’ve learned about sleep (I’ve read 8 or 9 books on it now), I really wanted to share how important sleep is for our children. If you let the numerous amount of night wakings continue, you are keeping your baby from getting they sleep they need. I feel that that fact is more important than how WE ‘feel’ about the issue. If you let your baby learn to fall asleep on his/her own (i.e. cry), you will give them a new skill, they will get the sleep they need to grow and be healthy, and you will restore rest and sanity to the rest of your household!